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| Gryff Quote | Reply | | Joke of the day posted on: 5/29/2007 2:07:14 PM HOW TO TELL IF YOU NEED TO PRAY AT WORK When a co-worker comes in a little too happy singing "good morning" to everyone and you think, "Somebody needs to slap the s#@! out of her"...You need to pray at work. When someone comes in and announces, "Office meeting in 5 minutes," and you think, "what the f*&% do they want now?"...You need to pray at work. When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you want to say, "which one of you sons of b*&^%$# turned off my computer?"...You need to pray at work. When you and a co-worker are discussing something, and a third person comes in and says, "Well at my last office...," and you want to throw a stapler at him... You need to pray at work. When you hear a co-worker call your name and the first thing that crosses your mind is, "what the h*&^ does she want now?" and you try to hide underneath your desk... You need to pray at work. When you are asked to stay late and help do someone else's work and the first thing that pops in your head is, "both of y'all can kiss my a@@!".... You need to pray at work. When you're in the elevator and it stops to pick up someone who stood for five minutes waiting for the darn thing only to go DOWN one floor, and you say "that lazy b*&%$#"... You need to pray at work. When you take some vacation time and come back to find a mountain of paperwork sitting on your desk because no one else would do it and you think, "sorry a## M#$^%F%&#s"... You need to pray at work. If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking, punching, slapping or flattening someone's tires that you work with... You need to pray at work. If you avoid saying more than hello or how are you doing to someone because you know it's going to lead to their life story... You need to pray at work. If you know all the words that have been bleeped out... You need to pray at work! LET US ALL BOW OUR HEADS |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 5/29/2007 3:24:45 PM Apple’s Latest Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women’s breast implants. The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them. |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 5/31/2007 10:01:29 AM A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked." |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 6/1/2007 12:40:17 PM Q. Why did God give men penises ? A. So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up. Q. What's the difference between a paycheck and your dick ? A. You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck. Q. How is a woman like a laxative ? A. They both irritate the ****out of you. Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for ? A. Its Braille for "suck here". Q. Why do men die before their wives ? A. They want to. Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women ? A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody. Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull ? A. Lipstick. Q. Why do women have tits ? A. So men will talk to them. Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin ? A. You come in one and go in the other. Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex ? A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time. Q. What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild? A. Money. Q. Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf ? A. They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days. Q. Why are hurricanes normally named after women ? A. When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them. Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job ? A. After 5 years your job will still suck. Q. What's the best thing about a blow job ? A. Ten minutes of silence. |
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-.Sativa.-
*La Sarcastica* Quote | Reply | |
Joke of the day
replied on: 6/2/2007 8:18:29 AM lmao very funny stuff |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 6/4/2007 10:31:29 AM A Serious Medical Condition Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating. "Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?" The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry you’re Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles fill up rapidly with semen. If he doesn't do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die" "Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical condition existed." On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient. "Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?" The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan." |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 6/5/2007 1:06:23 PM One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the f**k?" he said to himself as a ittle "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out. "April," he hollered into the athroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's Miracle Grow." |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 6/6/2007 2:23:13 PM Golf Two women were playing golf one sunny morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch and fell to the ground where he proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed over to the man and began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me." "Ummph, oooh, nooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at the crotch. But she persisted and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel now?" The man replied, "That feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell." |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 6/7/2007 4:24:38 PM Q: How many men does it take to open a beer? A; None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. Q: Why do women have smaller feet then men? A: So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink. Q: How do you fix a women's watch? A: You don't. There's a clock on the oven. Q: Why do men pass more gas than women do? A: Because women don't shut up long enough to build up pressure. Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, which do you let in first? A: The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in. Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig? A: A women who won't do what she's told. Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? A: Divorced. |
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-.Sativa.-
*La Sarcastica* Quote | Reply | |
Joke of the day
replied on: 6/7/2007 11:43:57 PM hahahaha |
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-.Sativa.-
*La Sarcastica* Quote | Reply | |
Joke of the day
replied on: 6/7/2007 11:45:38 PM hahahaha |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 6/8/2007 8:45:26 AM Facts About Woman Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful. Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch. Women think all beer is the same. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day. Women brush their hair before bed. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed. Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling. Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple? Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?' Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut. Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?' PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse. The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'. Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn. 'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading. All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain. If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?' Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble) Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you? Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay. It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay. You don't see straight men dancing together. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, 'Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me out of here! |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 6/8/2007 12:40:09 PM Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing California: By 30 Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda. Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedies Don't Own It Yet. Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S" Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000 Mosquitoes Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, & Very Little Else Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada: Whores and Poker! New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here! New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney... North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States! Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee: The Educashun State Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English) Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont: Yep Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers! Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really! Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese Wyoming: Where Men Are Men...And The Sheep Are Afraid!!!!!!!!!! |
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-.Sativa.-
*La Sarcastica* Quote | Reply | |
Joke of the day
replied on: 6/9/2007 1:50:02 AM *Women think all beer is the same.* wrong, nothing beats a stella |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 6/9/2007 10:48:50 AM Guinness |
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-.Sativa.-
*La Sarcastica* Quote | Reply | |
Joke of the day
replied on: 6/9/2007 7:46:09 PM thats where yer wrong |
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