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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 12/6/2007 11:57:59 AM A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago. Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold up?' 'Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.' The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?' 'About a gallon.' |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 12/7/2007 9:26:07 AM Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school to talk about the world: After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is. "Billy" "And what is your question, Billy?" "I have three questions. First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan; second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office; and third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?" Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?" A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve" "And what is your question, Steve?" "I have five questions. First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan; second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office; third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House; fourth - why did the bell ring 20 minutes early; and fifth - what happened to Billy?" |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 12/7/2007 10:44:27 AM Guts and Balls - The Medical Distinction We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below... GUTS - Arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?' BALLS - Coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next.' I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome ... since both ultimately result in death. |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 12/7/2007 1:07:08 PM Regardless of one's age, you simply should always plan ahead: The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. 'He's a funeral director,' she answered. 'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.' |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 12/10/2007 11:39:13 AM President Vladimir Putin called President Bush with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "My people's favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!" "Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.", replied the President. "I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?" "Why certainly! I'll get right on it!", said Bush. "Oh, and one more small favour, please?", said Putin. "Yes?", replied the President. "Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin. "No problem," replied the President and with that Bush hung up and called the President of Trojan condoms. "I need a favour, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia." "Consider it done," said the President of Trojan. "Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10" long and 4" wide." "Easily done. Anything else?" "Yeah," said the President, "Print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one." |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 12/10/2007 11:47:43 AM I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works! I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others? I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside. I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter? I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you! I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there. I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you. I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo. I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high. I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in? I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it! I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV. I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying. I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time? I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission! If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used. If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive. If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide! If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M. Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent. Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control! Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn. So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey. Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't. There is no vaccine against stupidity. |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 12/11/2007 12:35:51 PM Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful. |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 12/12/2007 9:42:42 AM Southern Thinking Georgia: The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much w ould you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings." *************************************************************** Alabama: A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied." You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!" *************************************************************** Louisiana: A senior at LSU was overheard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world. ************************************************************** Mississippi: The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was? "The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number." ************************************************************** Tennessee: A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?" ************************************************************** Arkansas: A man in Little Rock had a flat tire, pulled onto the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither." ************************************************************** And my favorite: You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North... |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 12/17/2007 4:24:34 PM The Pastor's Salary This is a story about a popular young Baptist preacher, who on Sunday morning announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contact and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave. Bubba, who owns several cars dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a minivan, to transport their children!" The congregation sighs, and applauds. Billy Bob, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the preacher stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!" More sighs and applause's. Ms. Ella May, age 70, stands and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll give him SEX!!" There is a hush. The preacher, blushing, asks, "Ms. Ella May, whatever possessed you to say that?" Ms. Ella May answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said....F*** him! |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 12/18/2007 11:47:57 AM FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 01, 2007 RE: Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family. Pat ty *************************************************** FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 02, 2007 RE: Holiday Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty ****************** *********************************** FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 03, 2007 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I receiv ed from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a nondrinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. ***************************************************** FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director To: All Employees RE: Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House ca n hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from The dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the rest-rooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty ************************************************ FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All F****** Employees DATE: October 05, 2007 RE: The F****** Holiday Party Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!! ********************************************* FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: October 06, 2007 RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays! Joan |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 12/20/2007 11:07:24 AM In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods: *On a Flea collar box: It is a violation of Federal Law to use this product in a manner inconsistent with its labeling. * On Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping * On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary Details inside * On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap * Some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost * On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head * On Tesco’s Tiramisu desert: Do not turn upside down (Printed on the bottom of the box) * On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating * On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: Do not iron clothes on body * On Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery * On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning: may cause drowsiness * On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children * On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only * On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use * On Sainsbury’s Peanuts: Warning: contains nuts * On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts * On a Swedish chain saw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 12/20/2007 5:08:17 PM A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says To the pharmact: "I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me Some pertection. How much is a pack a' them rubbers Gonna cost me?" The pharmacist responds: "A Three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax." "TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a' Mighty, don't they stay on by theyselves? |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 12/24/2007 9:28:39 AM Ole & Sven are on vacation in Texas and walk by a store window with the sign, "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 a pair." Ole says to his pal, "Sven, look at dat! Ve could buy a whole bunch of dese clothes, take 'em back to Iowa, sell 'em to all da dumb Yermans up dere, and make a fortune!" Ole continues, "Now ven ve go in dere, don't you say a vurd, okay? Yust let me do the talkin''cause if dey hear your accent, they might tink ve're ignorant Norvegians, and dey von't vanna sell dem clothes to us. Now, I'll talk like I'm a Texan, so dey von't know" Ole and Sven go in and Ole says with his best fake Texas accent, "Howdy, y'all. Ah'll take 50 of them there suits at five dollahs each, 100 of them there shirts at two dollahs each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at two-fifty each. So, Ah'll just back up mah pickup and......" The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll are a coupla Norwegians from Wisconsin, ain't you?" "Vell . . yah," sas a surprised Ole "How'd you know dat?" The owner replies, "Cause this here's a dry-cleaners." |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 1/2/2008 1:17:26 PM Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted. Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and They won't bother you for weeks. Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky ...Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile When you shove them down the stairs. Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to Criticism. Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00? Number 2 In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. And The Number 1 Thought For 2008: We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in A merica but we haven't got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration. "Life is like a jar of Jalapeño peppers. What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow" . |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 1/2/2008 1:22:33 PM Q: Where can women over the age of 60 find young, sexy men, who are interested in them ? A: Try a bookstore under fiction. Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live. Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband? A: Tell him you're pregnant. Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror? A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses. Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking? A: Valets don't forget where they park your car. Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem. Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon. Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses? A: Their foreheads. Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores? A: 'I remember these!' |
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