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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 2/22/2008 11:46:51 AM What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 10 years and 45 lbs What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? 'Are you sure it's mine?' Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby? They named him 'Sum Ting Wong' What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A northern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage. A southern zone has ... 'a recipe'. How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time ...' A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.... Why is there no Disneyland in Japan ? No o ne's tall enough to go on the good rides |
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-.Sativa.-
*La Sarcastica* Quote | Reply | |
Joke of the day
replied on: 2/23/2008 1:29:48 AM One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 2/25/2008 9:35:31 AM There are two sisters, one is blonde and other is brunette and they inherit the family farm. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the farm, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out and pick the bull up." The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our farm. I need her to hitch the trailer to our truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just .99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'" The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your turck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your farm if you send her just the word comfortable?" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. It's a big word. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bul." |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 2/25/2008 11:54:27 AM Three Things to Ponder: 1. Cows 2. The Constitution 3. The Ten Commandments C O W S Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow. T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore. T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians.....It creates a hostile work environment. |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 2/28/2008 2:47:35 PM This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, 'What did you steal?' She replied, 'A can of peaches.' The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry. The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can, and she replied, '6.' The judge said, 'Then I will give you 6 days in jail.' Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, 'What is it?' The husband said, 'She also stole a can of peas.' |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 3/4/2008 12:45:36 PM A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 3/7/2008 9:28:36 AM A man robs a bank and takes hostages. He asks the first hostage, "did you see me rob the Bank". The hostage answers "yes". The robber, promptly, shoots him in the head. Then he asks the second hostage if he saw him rob the bank. The hostage answers, "no, but my wife did". |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 3/10/2008 9:38:35 AM Jack wakes up with a huge hangover the night after a business function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up in bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean & pressed. Jack looks around the room & sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!!" He stumbles to the kitchen & sure enough, there is hot breakfast & the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 am , drunk & out o f your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door." So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose & breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom & when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, b###h, I'm married!!!". Broken table - $200 Hot breakfast - $5 Red rose bud - $3 Two aspirins - $0.25 Saying the right thing, at the right time... PRICELESS |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 4/29/2008 10:24:25 AM THE HORTH WHITHPERER A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friendover to look at a horse. His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?" "That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment." So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male orfemale horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"? So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"? The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by thi s point, but he picks himup again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nice mouf, can I see her twat"? Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms andrams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him outand slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that.Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"? |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 6/10/2008 8:14:09 AM A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.' The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.' The redneck, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out his 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching his glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, he says, 'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.' "God Bless America" |
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