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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 6/11/2007 12:27:06 PM Wrong? Me? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Never |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 6/11/2007 12:29:51 PM Relationships: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled 'All Men Are Idiots.' Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3 am on a Sunday morning, he will call and say, 'I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us.' This is known as the 'I Hate You, I Love You' drunken phone call and 99 percent of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need. Sex: Women prefer 30 to 40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 to 40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. Maturity: Women mature much faster than men do. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. Magazines: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women. Bathrooms: A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. Groceries: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampetts' car on The Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10?items?or?less lane. Cats: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. Offspring: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. Dressing Up: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. Laundry: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a van and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old American sitcoms. Eating Out: When the bill comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. Mirrors: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any, shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald boyfriend's/father's heads. Menopause: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, biological Changes. Nature provokes a uniform reaction in men. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche. Richard Gere: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because lie reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women. Madonna: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason. Toys: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TVs. Cell phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six big batteries to operate. Locker Rooms: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room: sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie. Movies: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. Men will only show their arse, because arse size doesn't really matter. Jewelry: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone. Time: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays. Friends: Women on a 'girls' night out' talk the whole time. Men on a 'boys' night out' say about 20 words all night, most of which are 'Pass the chips' or 'Got am more beer?' Toilets: Men use toilets for purely biological reasons. Women use toilets as social lounges. Men in toilets will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a toilet giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, 'Hey Tom, I, was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?' |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 6/11/2007 5:16:40 PM I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel! Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying!" Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 6/13/2007 9:40:56 AM ABC's of Ex-Girlfriends A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you, you twit. She was only after your money and could have given a ****about you. B is for bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then Die! C is for call ya later. She won't. She never has before. D is for dumped. Does D need to be explained? E is for eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said I'm not hungry so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restarant. Then she ate more than your uncle Roy (you remember uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything.) So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies. F is for friends. That is what she just wanted to be. As if you can even stand to look at her. G is for gun. And yes, there is a waiting period. H is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well you figure it out. I stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers favors. J stands for Jim. That is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy. K stands for kill. L is for love. Its a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties. L is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love. M is for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for. N stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she? O is for On top. When on top..she has another O word. P is for pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month. Q is for Quitter. She couldn't last. R is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it. S stands for stab. Stabbing would be fun. S also stands for Steve. Steve was the guy that was sleeping with her. Steve is a bad person. Perhaps you should stab Steve. T is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth, she also tortured you with lies. She even tortured you with whips and hand-cuffs and worse with her teeth during blowjobs. U is for understatement. Saying you hate that f***ing bitch is an understatement. V is for Voluptuous. That is the primary reason you were dating her in the first place. W stands for wine. Wine is expensive. She loved wine. She got drunk awfully slow though. After too much wine she liked to screw. But after too much she puked; that is, from the wine. Not the activity. X is for Xylophone. Because X is always for Xylophone. Y stands for You suck. Remember when she yelled that at you? Z stands for ZZZZZZZZ. Remember all those times you wanted to have sex and she would tell you she had a headache and would go to sleep... .. stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week. (Got jokes? share them.) |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 6/13/2007 3:44:41 PM Why Men Lie One day while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, he dropped his axe into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into the water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep. The woodcutter went home happy. Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter cried, "Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Anniston. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Anniston, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Anniston." The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it! |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 6/14/2007 3:07:44 PM A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married." "Why not," giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket." |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 6/14/2007 7:17:43 PM The Stupidity Test 1. The clitoris is a type of flower. True or False 2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False 3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False 4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True or False 5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False 6. A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False 7. Semen is a term for sailors. True or False 8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False 9. Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False 10. Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False 11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. True or False 12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False 13. Coitus is a musical instrument. True or False 14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False 15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. True or False 16. A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False 17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or False 18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False 19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. True or False 20. An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False 21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. True or False 22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass. True or False 23. Pornography is the business of making records. True or False 24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. True or False |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 6/15/2007 11:22:13 AM THE Top Ten Reasons Trick-Or-Treating Is Better Than Sex: 10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave it to you. 6. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else. 5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months. 4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky. 3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2. Less guilt the next morning. ... and the number one reason trick-or-treating is better than sex .... 1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR! |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 6/18/2007 11:58:22 AM Dear Wife....I'm sending you this email to bring up to date on the events of our family. I tried to talk to you while you were on your computer, but you just kept telling me that you would BRB.....whatever that means. So, I decided to send you this email. John Jr. cut his first tooth today. He's the one you bounce on your knee while typing. Remember how he giggles when he hears the Ut Oh sound? Sorry about him dropping his peanut butter sandwich on your keyboard. Is it working okay since I cleaned it up for you? Can you read the letters I tried to paint back on your keyboard? Most of them had been rubbed off. Susie had her first date Saturday night. She had a good time and said to thank you for letting them use your car. She put the keys back on the key rack underneath the cobwebs where she found them. Do you realize that she wears the same size clothes as you do? In case you've forgotten her, she's the one who has you raise your feet when she's running the sweeper. Tim is playing football. He looks forward to going to school now that he has a sport to play. He wanted to know if you would come to one of his games if we bought you a laptop to bring along? Do you remember him? He's the one who empties your porta potty for you. Lets see.....since the last time I wrote you (3 months ago), the refrigerator had to be replaced, your mother and dad painted the room where your computer is (hope you like the color), the church has a new pastor, the President has been impeached, and oh yes..... I have a new job. Well, I think that's about it. I'll email you again in about 3 months. You take care of yourself honey. We all "miss" you very much and will see you the next time the power goes off! Love, Your Husband |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 6/18/2007 8:53:30 PM One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with the devil. Devil: Why so glum, chum? Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell. Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays That's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab, and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more. Guy: Gee, that sounds great. Devil: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it. Devil: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie - you're already dead, remember? Guy: Wow. That's awesome. Devil: I bet you like to gamble. Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do. Devil: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. Devil: You into drugs? Guy: Are you kidding? I love drugs. You don't mean.... Devil: That's right Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's alright - you're dead, who cares? O.D.!! Guy: Yowza!! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place. Devil: You gay? Guy: No.... Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), You're gonna hate Fridays . . . |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 6/19/2007 11:16:58 AM Christmas in Washington The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington,DC this Christmas. This isn't for any religious or constitutional reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men or a virgin in the nation's capitol. There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable. |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 6/19/2007 12:47:29 PM Mean Things to Say to People Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental! Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice. Are your parents siblings? As an outsider, what do you think of the human race? Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner. Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home? Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth? Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you? Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull? Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you? Don't you need a license to be that ugly? Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege! Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds. Have you considered suing your brains for non-support? He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed! He is living proof that man can live without a brain! He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot. He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost. Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change! Hi! I'm a human being! What are you? How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open? I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass. I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it. I bet your mother has a loud bark! I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit? I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat. I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works! I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others? I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside. I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter? I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you! I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there. I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you. I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo. I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high. I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in? I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it! I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV. I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying. I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time? I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission! If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used. If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive. If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide! If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M. Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent. Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control! Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn. So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey. Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't. There is no vaccine against stupidity. |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 6/20/2007 2:19:52 PM As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. Naughty, Naughty! Excuse me, What were you thinkin'? |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 6/21/2007 9:04:35 AM Donna arrived home from work early one day and found her husband, Glen, in bed with another woman. "That's it!" she shouted, "I'm leaving and I'm not coming back!" "Wait honey," Glen pleaded, "Can't you at least let me explain?" "Fine, let's hear your story," Donna replied. "Well, I was driving home when I saw this poor young lady sitting at the side of the road, barefoot, torn clothes, covered in mud and sobbing," explained Glen. "I immediately took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up. She got into the car and I brought her home. After she took a shower, I gave her a pair of the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the dress that I bought you last year that you never wore, the pair of shoes you bought but never used and even gave her some of the turkey you had in the refrigerator but didn't serve to me." "Then," Glen continued, "I showed her to the door and she thanked me. As she was walking down the step, she turned around and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'" |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 6/21/2007 4:45:54 PM Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it's about time you became informed! {A} - Almost Boobs... {B} - Barely there. {C} - Can't Complain! {D} - Damn! {DD} - Double damn! {E} - Enormous! {F} - Fake. |
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