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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 6/21/2007 4:50:30 PM Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else… One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I’ll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, "I’ll be fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up. " She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend… So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won’t even be able to get his pants down." So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. She responded, "The bastard used coins!" |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 6/22/2007 9:26:09 AM An elderly doctor and a Baptist minister were seated next to each other on the plane. The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served. When the charming hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess then asked the minister whether he wanted anything. He replied, "Oh No! Thank you. I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol." The elderly doctor promptly handed his gin and tonic back to the hostess said, "Madam, I did not know there was a choice." |
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-.Sativa.-
*La Sarcastica* Quote | Reply | |
Joke of the day
replied on: 6/22/2007 9:57:42 PM lmfao too funny |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 6/24/2007 11:54:07 AM Relationship secrets 1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other. |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 6/26/2007 9:29:56 AM A woman and her friend are sitting together having lunch after one of the women's husband's funeral service. The friend asks the woman if her husband had any life insurance, and the widow answered her. "Well, he had $10,000 in life insurance, but it is all gone." "All gone?", the friend asks, shocked. "Yes", said the widow. "I don't understand", says the friend. "How did you already go through $10,000?" "Well, it is really not as bad as you think." says the widow. "I had to pay $5500 for his funeral and burial, $500 was donated to the church for the service, $1000 was what I spent on his suit, and $3000 was for the memorial stone." Puzzled, the friend looks at the widow and says "That must have been a huge stone for $3000!" The widow answers: "Yeah, it was 3 carats!" |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 6/26/2007 12:44:48 PM A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jerves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening. As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay with the others since several of his important clients were there. As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jerves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled. "Jerves," she said, "take off my dress." He did this carefully. "Jerves," she continued, "take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jerves," she then said, "remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension continued to mount. She looked at him and then said, "Jerves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!" |
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Gryff
Quote | Reply | This message was updated on 6/27/2007 1:32:20 PM by Gryff |
Joke of the day
replied on: 6/27/2007 1:30:43 PM There was a blonde woman named, Cindy, that was in deep financial problems. So she got on her knees and prayed "Dear God, please let me win the lottery. I really need your help or I'll loose my car, the house, and everything else." She doesn't win. The next day she prays to God "God! I really really need your help! I'll loose my car, the house, and everything else." Once again, she doesn't win. The next day she says the same prayer; then God speaks to her " Cindy! work with me here, BUY A TICKET!!" |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 6/27/2007 2:03:42 PM 9 Things I Hate About Everyone 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually. 3 When ! people s ay "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it? 4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses! 5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor. 6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine? 7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's! new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new. 8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? 9 ! When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass? |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 6/28/2007 11:17:24 AM GOLF'S WORST FOURSOME 1. MONICA LEWINSKI 2. O. J. SIMPSON 3. TED KENNEDY 4. BILL CLINTON WHY YOU ASK? Well, you're going to love this! 1. MONICA IS A HOOKER 2. O. J. IS A SLICER 3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER , AND 4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 6/30/2007 7:30:46 PM It seems the joke is on the main board. |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 7/2/2007 9:21:22 AM An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament. Dear Vincenzo, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the garden for me. Love, Papa. A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Papa, I'd do anything for you Papa, except dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies. Love, Vinnie. At 4 AM the next morning the local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. A couple days later the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Vinnie |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 7/3/2007 9:01:39 AM A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You're at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude. She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help." The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault." |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 7/5/2007 3:05:59 PM A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property." "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "most days he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I never wanted a divorce. It's husband. He says he can't communicate with me." |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 7/5/2007 11:18:31 PM Chuck had seen it coming for a time now, and Laura finally decided to break up with him. "I'm sorry Chuck, but you just don't have a good sense of humor," Laura said one day, "You're dry, boring and you never seem to say anything funny." Chuck who didn't feel she was correct in the least, simply smiled and said, "I'm sorry you feel that way, Laura. I'm sure you'll make some guy very happy some day," she smiled and blushed a little, "then, he'll zip up his pants, leave $20 on the dresser, and forget to close the door on his way out." |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 7/5/2007 11:25:07 PM What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Honey, I'm home." |
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