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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 7/20/2007 2:57:25 PM Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't? A. A navel. . . . A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to ****your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job." |
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-.Sativa.-
*La Sarcastica* Quote | Reply | |
Joke of the day
replied on: 7/21/2007 12:36:45 PM lmfaoooooooooooooo kinda brings to mind torrie |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 7/21/2007 7:45:49 PM You know you're getting old when.... Everything hurts; and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals. You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere. Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D. Your children begin to look middle aged. You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall. You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there. You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet. You know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions. |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 7/23/2007 11:45:33 AM Looks aren't everything; in her case, they aren't anything. She's not exactly bad looking. There's just one little blemish between her ears-- her face. She's had her face lifted so many times, she talks through her nose. She looks like a million -- every year of it. Even her double chin has a double chin. She has a face like a flower-- a cauliflower. Shee goes to the dentist twice a year. Once for every tooth. Her teeth are like the Ten Commandments-- all broken. She has so many wrinkles, she has to screw her hat on. She has a big heart, and a stomach to match. She's a real Ooomph girl. When she sits on a sofa, it goes Ooomph! She's so ugly, at a Christmas party they hung her and kissed the mistltoe! She's a light eater. As soon as it gets light, she starts eating. When she walked down the aisle with her groom, they had to walk single file. |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 7/24/2007 9:10:23 AM Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain..........Good ! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO ! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 7/24/2007 1:30:22 PM Master Card Wedding You got to love this guy. This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It made the local newspaper; even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's family & to especially thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyo ne a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was an envelope. He stressed that this was his gift to everyone, & asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8 x 10 glossy of his bride having sex with his best friend, the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier & had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to his best man & said, "F--- you!" Then he turned to his bride & said, "F--- you!" Then he turned back to the dumbfounded crowd & said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing the following morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300+ guest wedding & reception, & best of all, trashing the bride's & his best man's reputations in front of 300+ friends & family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might get a Master Card "PRICELESS" commercial out of this? "Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members & friends: $32,000... Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000... Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui: $8,500... The look on ev eryone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping his best man: Priceless... There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD!" "Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches, it's more like a jar of Jalapenos..........What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow. |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 7/25/2007 3:22:30 PM A ninety year old lady is on her way to the gynecologist due to a itchy rash in her box... when she gets there the doctor checked her out and asked "when is the last time you've had sex?" the old lady tells the doctor that she is still a virgin.. he checks her out again and the doctor tells the lady "I don't really have a medical term for this, so I will be blunt...Your cherry has rotted" |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 7/26/2007 4:13:49 PM This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Iowa." The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says "I mount animals." The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!" |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 7/27/2007 11:58:39 AM Haven't I seen you before? = Nice ass I'm a Romantic = I'm poor I need you" = My hand is tired I am different from all the other guys = I am not circumcised I want a commitment = I'm sick of masturbation You're the only girl I've ever cared about = You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me I really want to get to know you better = So I can tell my friends about it It's just orange juice, try it = 3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head She's kinda cute = I want to have sex with her till I am blue I don't know if I like her = She won't sleep with me I miss you so much = I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good Was it good for you? = I'm insecure about my manhood How do I compare with all your other boyfriends? = Is my penis really that small I had a wonderful time last night = Who the hell are you Do you love me? = I've done something stupid and you might find out Do you 'really' love me? = I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later How much do you love me? = I've done something really stupid and someone's on his/her way to tell you about it now I have something to tell you = Get tested I'll give you a call = I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again I've been thinking a lot = You're not as attractive as when I was drunk I think we should just be friends = You're ugly I've learned a lot from you = Next |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 7/30/2007 8:57:48 AM Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!" "I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you." |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 7/30/2007 8:59:13 AM A lady walks into the chemist and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. The pharmacist asks Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic? The lady says "To kill my husband." I can't sell you any for that reason. says the pharmacist. The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife. He looks at the photo and says Oh, pardon me, I didn't realize you had a prescription. |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 7/30/2007 9:00:34 AM The doctor tells a male patient that he has a case of venereal disease. The man replies "That is impossible, I haven't been with anyone recently. I must have caught it off a toilet seat". Doctor ays, " in that case you must have been chewing it because you have got it in your gums!! |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 7/30/2007 9:44:03 AM HISTORY LESSON Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster during the winter. The two most important events in all of history were the inventions of beer and the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These two make up the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: 1. Liberals 2. Conservatives Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative Movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal Movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided. Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful Land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat. Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, sailors, soldiers, airmen, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing. Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals --- just to piss them off. |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 7/31/2007 9:52:41 AM 10 Things That Piss Me Off! People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the ****is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is? The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy, considering he has no dick. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." ****off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? When people say "Its always in the last place you look." Of course it is. Why the ****would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theater and stare at ****ceiling up there. The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't." Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake! People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy? When something is new and improved, which is it? If its new, then there has never been anything before it. If its an improvement, then there must have been something before it. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going. You should know, asshole. You ****pulled me over! |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 7/31/2007 9:59:16 AM In life, many questions are left unanswered, questions such as... If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Is there another word for synonym? Is there another word for thesaurus? When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Why aren't there shoe or mail man flavored dog foods? What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless, or naked? Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? Why are you still reading this? Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? If a quadriplegic man has a gun, is he armed? Where do homeless people have 98% of their accidents? Why is it every time Micheal Jackson gets plastic surgery, the less we see of Teto? Why is it the fatter you are the smaller your swimsuit is? Why do parents tell you not to smoke, drink or have sex, then change their minds and tell you to go to college? Why do they suddenly want to cancel Springer, when for years they've known wrestling is fake? How do they know how long to make the bungee cord for the first jump? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop anyway? Why do we park in a driveway and drive in the parkway? Is Jello a solid or a liquid? If it's called tourist season, why can't we shoot them? |
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