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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 7/31/2007 10:01:09 AM Cybersex: Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like? Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like? Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner... It smells funny. Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me? Wellhung: OK Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes,smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge... Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat. Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest. Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling. Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly. Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly. Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing. Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry. Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive. Wellhung: I'll pay for it. Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder. Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors? Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back and undoing the clasp for you. My silky black bra slips off my warm breasts. The cold air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you. Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp. Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me. Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat! Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear. Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm. Sweetheart: What? Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really. Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse. Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop. Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool. Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee! Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties. Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute. Sweetheart: What's the matter? Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking. Sweetheart: Are you OK? Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red. Sweetheart: Can I help? Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups? Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink. Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better. Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover. Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now. Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you. Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom? Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall. Wellhung: I found it. Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly. Wellhung: Me too. Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked bodies pressing each other. Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts. Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses? Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table. Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby! Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom. Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover. Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid. Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return. Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh! Sweetheart: What's the matter now? Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. orry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way. Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on. Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing. Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it! Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here. Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now! Wellhung: I'm flaccid. Sweetheart: What? Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection. Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face. Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong. Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse. Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles. Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes. Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face. Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser! Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo! Sweetheart: > |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 8/1/2007 9:30:06 AM Dog property laws 1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. 6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. 7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine. 8. If I saw it first, it's mine. 9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. 10. If it's broken, it's yours. |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 8/1/2007 11:24:50 AM A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back. Frustrated, she shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!" |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 8/2/2007 4:07:23 PM Losing a wife can be hard. In most cases, it is damned near impossible. Why was alcohol invented? So fat women can get laid too. A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman... then... pow!... it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "Ahhhh... my wife found out..." Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the National lottery!" Martha responds excitedly, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?!" The man responds, "I don't care ... just so long as you're out of the house by noon!" Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle. If your wife and your lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to the cinema? Why have women got small feet? So they can get closer to the sink. Why have women got legs? To move between the kitchen and the bedroom. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house? Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time. Why do women pay more attention to their faces than their minds? Because even thought men may, at time, be a little stupid, they aren't blind. What's the difference between a dog howling on the back porch, and a women howling on the front porch? The dog shuts up when you let it in. Did you hear about the new home appliance? You screw it on the bed and it does all the housework. Why does the bride always wear white? Because it is always a good idea to have the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator. How do you change a woman's mind? Buy her another beer. How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long. How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. Why is a woman like Kentucky Fried Chicken? By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you. WIFE: Washing, Ironing, Fucking, Etc... |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 8/2/2007 4:16:21 PM Women are so unreasonable! My wife gets mad at me because every Saturday night I take a bath with bubbles in it. I mean, if Bubbles doesn’t mind, why should she? |
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tharae
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Joke of the day
replied on: 8/3/2007 8:57:35 AM  i only read this board for Your little....stories |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 8/3/2007 9:36:01 AM Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?" "A bird," the guy replied. The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here." The police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire." Moral of the story........................ never lie to kids. |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 8/3/2007 11:00:08 AM You know you're Middle Aged if... You’ve come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything. The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car-in the “ten items or less” lane. You’ve stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents. You’ve found yourself discussing rain gutters. You remember your kid’s names, just not always the right one. You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector. Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of mold. You buy “age-defying” makeup and “antiwrinkle” creams and believe they work. You’ve realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you. You recognize Led Zeppelin songs that have been turned into elevator Muzak. As a public service, you have agreed to never appear on the beach in a Speedo again. You’ve had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic-“for the last time in a generation” You’d pay good money to be strip-searched. Wal-Mart and target seem to share your fashion sense. The only way you know to stop a virtual pet from beeping involves the patio and a sledgehammer. You can pack two suits, Five shirts, five ties, five pairs of underwear, five pairs of socks, a pair of shoes, and half of your bathroom into a carry-on bag-in less than five minutes. You know what Earth Shoes are. You think if you hear “Stairway to Heaven” one more time your head will explode. Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely. On Saturday night, when your wife mentions “hot oil, a little friction, and squealing,” you tell her you’ll have the car looked at first thing Monday morning. |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 8/4/2007 4:00:58 PM A young couple was married and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon, but when the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule. So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15. In the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15. This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot. The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three, and these three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans. One germ said, "I'm going to hide between two toes on her left foot, I don't think the antibiotics will find me there." A second exclaimed, "I am going to hide behind her right ear, I don't think they'll find me there." The last germ said, "I don't know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I'm goanna be on it!" |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 8/7/2007 3:18:25 PM A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or the machine?" |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 8/9/2007 9:08:54 AM Boudreaux the cajon fireman came home from work one day and say To his wife ,"Y know sumpin , we got a wonerful new system at de Fire station. " Bell 1 ring -- we put on our jackets Bell 2 ring -- we slide down de pole Bell 3 ring -- we jump on the ingin and we's ready to go. From now on when I says "bell 1" I want you to strip nikid . When I Says "bell 2" you jump on the bed . When I says "bell tree" we's gonna Make luv all tru de night. The next night he came and yelled "bell one" , his wife strips down. He yells "bell 2" and she jumps on the bed . Bell 3 and they are off making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled out "bell 4". What the hell is bell 4 he Asked . She replied " Roll out more hose , you ain't nowhere near De fire". |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 8/15/2007 9:37:52 AM You're so ugly, you make blind kids cry. |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 8/15/2007 9:40:08 AM There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday. He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", the boy said. The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims. Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today". "Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers. She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old". "How did you know?" the boy asked. Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father". |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 8/16/2007 4:56:51 PM A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place to see if it was up to her standards. Naturally nothing is good enough for her daughter, so she is complaining up a storm. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted mourners as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something, but when a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, "What a terrible tragedy," and I would nod my head and say, "Yes, it was." The men would ask me, "You wanna sell that mule?" and I would tell them that I was sorry, but I could not sell her. You see father, because of this tragedy, the mule is all booked up for the next year." |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 8/21/2007 8:44:15 AM I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem? |
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