|
|
| Author | Message / Information |
|
Gryff
Quote | Reply | |
Joke of the day
replied on: 8/22/2007 9:11:57 AM Becky was on her deathbed with her husband, John, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling John," she whispered. "Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk." But she was insistent. "John," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess" replied the weeping John. "It's all right. everything's all right, go to sleep now." "No, no. I must die in peace, John. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father." John mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it." he said, "Why do you think I poisoned you?" |
|
Gryff
Quote | Reply | |
Joke of the day
replied on: 8/23/2007 5:25:38 PM The Baby Quiz Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A: If it's the flu, you'll get better. Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving? A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? Q: How long is the average woman in labor? A: Whatever she says divided by two. Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids? A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college. Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough. |
|
Gryff
Quote | Reply | This message was updated on 8/24/2007 9:38:56 AM by Gryff |
Joke of the day
replied on: 8/24/2007 9:37:47 AM This is so true Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE INJAPAN)for 6am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt(MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE ) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet(MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) filled it with GAS (FROM Saudi Arabia and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (Made In Malaysia), Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals(MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV(MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in.. AMERICA |
|
Gryff
Quote | Reply | |
Joke of the day
replied on: 8/27/2007 3:05:27 PM A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Other Latin American countries are sending supplies. The European community (except France) is sending food and money. The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to replace the dead ones. God bless America!!!! |
|
Gryff
Quote | Reply | |
Joke of the day
replied on: 8/29/2007 9:51:53 AM The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?" |
|
Gryff
Quote | Reply | |
Joke of the day
replied on: 8/29/2007 11:13:44 AM A traveling salesman was driving down a farm road when his car suddenly stopped and wouldn't start again. A farmer on a tractor was passing by and stopped to help the salesman fix his car. By the time they were finished, it was almost sundown, so the farmer told the salesman he could spend the night at his home if he didn't mind sharing the bed with his twin daughters. The salesman thought the twins were kids, so he said it was okay. They farmer took the salesman to his home and went into the house. After a few minutes of talking and cleaning up, the men were called to the dinner table by the farmer's wife. As they sat down, the salesman saw the two most beautiful young ladies he had ever seen. The farmer introduced them as his twin daughters. During the entire meal all the salesman thought about was he was sleeping in the same bed as the girls and he was going to have a good time that night. They all finished their supper and the men went and talked while the women finished cleaning up. The salesman couldn't keep his mind off what was to be a good time. Finally it was time to go to bed and the salesman anxiously got prepared. The twins got into the bed, one on each side of the salesman. Just as the lights were going to be turned off, the farmer came into the bedroom and placed one egg on both sides of the salesman. The farmer said, "This is to make sure you don't do anything with my daughters tonight!! If I come in tomorrow morning and find one or both eggs broken, I'll know you did something and I'll shoot you!! You understand? Well, the salesman looked at the eggs, the farmer, and the shotgun in the farmer's hand and quietly replied that he understood. With that, the farmer told them goodnight and turned off the light. During the night, the salesman turned over and accidently broke one of the eggs. "What the hell," he thought, "I'm dead anyway," and screwed the first twin. After several minutes of bliss, he rolled off of her and broke the other egg. "Might as well go out smiling," he thought and had his way with the second twin. When he was finished, he noticed that it was almost sunup and the farmer was starting to stir. Thinking quickly, he looked into his sales bag and got out a tube of superglue and glued the eggs back together. The glue dried quick and the salesman jumped back into the bed and had just put both eggs back when the farmer entered. "I see the eggs are alright, so I guess I won't shoot you. Want some breakfast?" "What are you making?" the salesman asked. Holding up the eggs, he said, "Eggs." "No thanks, I'll eat later, I gotta get going!!!" the salesman quickly said and grabbed his clothes and left. The farmer went to the stove and broke the first egg over the skillet, but nothing came out. He then broke the second egg and again, nothing came out. Extrememly pissed off, the farmer walked out to the hen house and shouted, "Alright...which one of you roosters is wearing a rubber???" |
|
Gryff
Quote | Reply | |
Joke of the day
replied on: 9/6/2007 8:54:53 AM A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone. |
|
Gryff
Quote | Reply | |
Joke of the day
replied on: 9/7/2007 9:33:37 AM A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't." "The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice." "Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart." |
|
Gryff
Quote | Reply | |
Joke of the day
replied on: 9/11/2007 2:57:59 PM On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?" Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???" |
|
Gryff
Quote | Reply | |
Joke of the day
replied on: 9/13/2007 10:16:29 AM A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly. "All right, buddy. What's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked. "The balcony." |
|
Gryff
Quote | Reply | |
Joke of the day
replied on: 9/17/2007 9:23:57 AM A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. "We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE!!!" |
|
Gryff
Quote | Reply | This message was updated on 9/20/2007 9:41:59 AM by Gryff |
Joke of the day
replied on: 9/20/2007 9:34:39 AM The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer! Have a nice day! |
|
Gryff
Quote | Reply | |
Joke of the day
replied on: 9/24/2007 10:05:07 AM Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below. Mr. Wally Underpants President and CEO of Wal-Mart Complaint Department MEMO Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse is shopping: 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoplefs carts when they werenft looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, eCode 3Πin housewaresc.. and watched what happened. 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&Mfs on layaway. 6. September 14: Moved a eCAUTION - WET FLOORf sign to a carpeted area. 7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers hefd invite them in if theyfll bring pillows from the bedding department. 8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks Why canft you people just leave me alone?f 9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose. 10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are. 11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the gMission Impossibleh theme. 12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his gMadonna lookh using different size funnels. 13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled gPICK ME!h gPICK ME!h 14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams gNO! NO! Itfs those voices again!!!!h (And; last, but not least!) 15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, gThere is no toilet paper in here!h |
|
Gryff
Quote | Reply | This message was updated on 9/26/2007 3:52:45 PM by Gryff |
Joke of the day
replied on: 9/26/2007 9:36:37 AM For Cat Lovers. An aquarium is just interactive television for cats. Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be. At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you. Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes. Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it. Cat rule #2: Bite the hand that won't feed you fast enough. Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia. Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit. Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right. Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner. Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know. Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff. Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God. I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic. I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats. On the Internet, nobody knows you're a cat. One cat just leads to another. People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life. Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well. There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats. When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off my tongue. You can always tell a cat, but you can't tell him much. |
|
Gryff
Quote | Reply | |
Joke of the day
replied on: 9/26/2007 11:47:05 AM These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law |
|
LinkBot
|
Gamers Wanted is looking for people to write game reviews and post news, |
|
|
| Tired of seeing ads? Click here to upgrade to Elite Membership! |
ChatArea.com Help & News Forums | Terms of Use | Contact ChatArea.com | Advertising
Powered By ChatArea.com - Get your free Society today! © Copyright 2003 Wewp!