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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 9/26/2007 4:08:50 PM ***Top 17 fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant*** 17. "I finished the Oreos." 16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds." 15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!" 14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!" 13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!" 12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella." 11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt." 10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!" 9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?" 8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?" 7. "Get your *own* ice cream." 6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today." 5. "Got milk ?" 4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney." 3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!" 2. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water..." And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant: 1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger..." |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 9/27/2007 9:32:47 AM A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me." Confused, the father asked what was wrong. The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for." |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 9/28/2007 9:20:44 AM A woman looks in the bedroom mirror...and says to her husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment!" The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect". |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 9/28/2007 9:37:47 AM What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig? A woman that won't do what she's told. |
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Gryff
Quote | Reply | This message was updated on 10/1/2007 11:55:45 AM by Gryff |
Joke of the day
replied on: 10/1/2007 9:26:20 AM This could happen to you. I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!" And the other person says: "So what are you up to?" What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!" At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?" Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them "No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!" Then I hear the person say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 10/2/2007 10:09:13 AM A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire. No further studies are expected |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 10/2/2007 4:31:25 PM These are actual newspaper ads: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bitch. Bites FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat ... been out a while. Better be a reward for this nasty little thing. COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.. Also 1 gay bull for sale. NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300 WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie. FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything. |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 10/3/2007 9:57:10 AM There was a pretty Nurse named Carol who broke her engagement to a doctor. She was explaining everything to a friend. "Do you mean to say," exclaimed Cindy, "that the bum asked you to give back the ring AND all his presents ?" "Not only that," said Carol, "he sent me a bill for 37 visits." |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 10/8/2007 9:34:06 AM An old man went into confession and told the priest: "Father,I`m 81 married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night i had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls.Twice." "I see," said the priest. "When was the last time you were in confession?" "Never,Father", replied the old man. "I`m Jewish" "So why are you telling me?" "I`m telling everybody!" |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 10/8/2007 9:37:08 AM A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and waits to see what they do with the money. The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man is impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much, Again, the man is impressed. The third woman invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000, gives him back the original $5000 and invests the rest in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously the man is impressed. The man had a difficult choice and thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money and then he married the one with the biggest tits. |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 10/8/2007 10:55:14 AM A Blonde's Year in Review January Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in print er !!! March Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said "2-4 years!" April Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!! May Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope. July Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! August Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open. September The capital of California is "C".....isn't it??? October Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel. November Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!! December Couldn't call 911 . "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!! |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 10/9/2007 9:53:06 AM A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting." "And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen." |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 10/10/2007 1:16:55 PM Fall Classes for Men at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Monday, Oct 29, 2007 NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM . Class 1 How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. Class 2 The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours. Class 3 Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks. Class 5 Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM Class 6 Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM Class 7 Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours. Class 8 Health Watch--Bringing Her Flow ers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined. Class 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours. Class 11 Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing. Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined Class 12 How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. Class 13 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 14 The Stove/ Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined. |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 10/11/2007 9:38:52 AM Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you like under there?" Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" Sue, using her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500." Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back." Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player! |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 10/11/2007 12:15:53 PM On their wedding night, the young bride Jodie, approached her new Husband Marvin and asked for $20.00 for their first Lovemaking encounter. In His highly aroused state, Marvin readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more Than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find Marvin in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that Cal Trans was going through a process of corporate Downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, Jodie handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 Million, Marvin was so astounded he could barely speak. Finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!" That's when she shot him. |
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