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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 10/15/2007 3:12:12 PM Once upon a time.....there was a little old man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into a mirror and was admiring his body when he noticed that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis. He decided to do something about it. He jogged to the beach, completely undresses and buried himself in the sand except for his penis. Just then two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it about with her cane. She remarked to the other old lady: "There ain't hardly no justice in the world". The other little old lady asked: "What do you mean by that?" "Well", she said, "When I was 15, I was curious about it." "When I was 20, I enjoyed it." "When I was 30, I asked for it." "When I was 40, I begged for it." "When I was 50, I paid for it." "When I was 60, I prayed for it." "When I was 70, I forgot about it." "And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat." |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 10/15/2007 3:15:59 PM Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!" And so they did. As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!" And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!" |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 10/16/2007 11:46:43 AM Pay attention... Three old ladies are going to a Mariners game. They've never been and are very excited because the Mariners are playing. But just to make the game a little more interesting, they bring along a bottle of Jack Daniels. It's a really good game and the crowd's into it and everybody is having a good time. The little old ladies keep adding a little Jack Daniels to their colas and are having a wonderful time. There's still a lot of game left when they notice that they are out of Jack Daniels. Question: What inning is it? Did you pay attention? V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded! |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 10/17/2007 2:36:26 PM Terms for Female Masturbation 5 Digit Disco Buzzing the honey hole Backslappin' Betty Bailing out the Gravy Boat Beaver bashin' Bouncing the bearded clam Buffing the box Buffing the jewel Buttering up the whisker biscuit Clam twiddlin' jamboree Critter crammin' Damming the beaver Dialing "O" on the little pink telephone (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA your not dialing for dollars here) Diddling miss daisy Diggin' for clams Digitis Erectus Fingering the fountain Flicking the minnow Friday night lip service Frosting the muffin of love Giving yourself the finger Going for the gooey duct Impeaching Bush Juicing the clam Let your fingers do the walking Lip smacking Menage a'moi Petting the kitty Piddly Diddler Playing the squeezebox Pokin' the pie Polishing the little pink pearl Pumping the kooter Punchin' the chipmunk Reading in Braille Riding the clitoris-sauras Romancing thy own Roughing up the suspect Self-guided tuna boat tour Smacking Jerry Garcia on the nose Spanking Lucy Stroking the newt Ticklin' the taco Tissue tickling Twirling the pearl Unbuttoning the fur coat Warming the wrist rocket |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 10/17/2007 2:51:54 PM Viagra Quickies Generic Viagra is sold under the name Fix-a-Flat. New Viagra eye drops make you look hard. The man spent too much money on Viagra: Now, he's hard up. Bread with Viagra as an added ingredient is being marketed through a Boston bakery under the name "Pepperidge Firm". Did you hear about the first death from an overdose of Viagra? A man took twelve pills and his wife died. ...Then there was the man who got his Viagra tablet stuck in his throat and suffered from a stiff neck. Have you tried the new hot beverage, Viagraccino? One cup and you're up all night. How many doses of Viagra does it take to change a light bulb? One little tablet, and it's a whole new bulb. The Viagra computer virus turns your floppy disk into a hard drive. The Viagra Super virus then sucks all your data off the hard drive. Viagra is now being compared to Disneyland - a one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride. Men taking iron supplements are warned that taking Viagra may cause them to spin around and point north. The difference between Niagara and Viagra? Niagara Falls. "Micro" and "Soft". Needs Viagra! Viagra Lite: For people who only want to masturbate |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 10/17/2007 4:58:41 PM One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa." Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little woried about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he appologised to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today." "You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!" |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 10/18/2007 3:39:40 PM CHANGES IN MARRIAGE When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband...... at all times When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?" When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked When you are married ....You think to yourself...."Was he ALWAYS this hairy????" When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???" When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you ...for no reason When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together When you are married ....You wonder who will die first When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy" When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out. When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area When you are dating..... He understands if you "aren't in the mood" When you are married ....He says "It's your job." When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare When you are dating..... He calls you by name When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She. |
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Gryff
Quote | Reply | This message was updated on 10/19/2007 11:20:10 AM by Gryff |
Joke of the day
replied on: 10/19/2007 11:18:07 AM Classes for Women 101 General Education: GE101: Why the Toilet Seat Has Hinges GE102: Checkbook Balancing (formerly "Remedial Third Grade Arithmetic") GE103: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One GE104: How to Parallel Park GE105: Why Going to the Bathroom is Not a Group Activity GE106: Road Maps and Other Crutches for Spineless Wimps GE107: Why a Bad Sports Telecast is Better Than a Good Soap Opera Home Economics: HE101a: Over-Laundering - Why Clothing Wears Out Premature HE101b: Over-Vacuuming - Why Carpets Wear Out Prematurely HE101c: Over-Dusting - Why Furniture Wears Out Prematurely HE101d: Over-Washing - Why Dishes Wear Out Prematurely HE102: How to Avoid Spending Money You Don't Have (formerly "How to Cut Credit Cards in Half") HE103: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?") Interpersonal Relationships: IR101: How to Say "No" With Kindness and Appreciation IR102: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching Roller Derby IR103: Submission - a Biblical Perspective (prereq: SE101a or b) IR104: Marriage - The Number One Cause of Divorce IR105: Preposterous Mood Swings (PMS) (formerly "Keeping Your Personal Problems from Ruining Everyone Else's Life Too") IR106: Understanding Men's Revulsion to Tampon Commercials (formerly called "We Know What That Little 'Plastic Applicator' is REALLY For!") Sex Education: SE101a: How to Say "Yes" SE101b: How to Say "No" But Mean "Yes" SE102: Sex - It's Not Just for Breakfast Anymore SE103: Who Belongs on Top and Why SE104: Lingerie - The Gift that Keeps On Giving SE105: Sexual Alternatives for "That Time of the Month" (formerly titled "Any Old Port in a Storm" |
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Gryff
Quote | Reply | This message was updated on 10/19/2007 11:45:12 AM by Gryff |
Joke of the day
replied on: 10/19/2007 11:29:31 AM Common Questions asked by Women 1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat in this? 4. Do you think she is prettier than me? 5. What would you do if I died? What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as apublic service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses. Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: " I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one ofthe following: a. Football. b. Golf. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you. e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!" Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include: a. Oh Yeah, sh@*-loads. b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c. That depends on what you mean by love. d. Does it matter? e. Who, me? Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are: a. Compared to what? b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. c. A little extra weight looks good on you. d. I've seen fatter. e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include: a. Yes, but you have a better personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age d. Define pretty e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and a Boat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines: WOMAN: Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) MAN: (makes audible groan) WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed. WOMAN: - - - silence - - - MAN: Sh&%. |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 10/19/2007 1:40:38 PM Words of Wisdom Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Everybody repeat after me: "We are all individuals" Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. If at first your don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 10/22/2007 9:52:18 AM A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend." The minister fainted |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 10/23/2007 9:14:55 AM I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed. Flip one off?... I think not. |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 10/23/2007 9:21:31 AM Things to Do When Your ISP Is Down 1. Dial 911 immediately. 2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years. 3. You mean there's something else to do? 4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote. 5. Work. 6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family. 7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off. |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 10/23/2007 9:54:24 AM Why are there locks on the door of stores that are open 24/7 365 days a year? If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? Why are there Braille dots on a drive-through ATM keypad? Is there another word for synonym? If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? Wal Mart is lowering prices daily, how come nothing in the store is free yet Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker? If a turtle loses its shell is it naked or homeless Why is abbreviation such a long word? Why don't psychics predict the winning lottery numbers and retire? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Why there's a pair of panties but just one bra If 'pro' is the opposite to 'con', is Congress the opposite to progress? If it is illegal to drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots? What happens if you drive at the speed of light and turn your head lights on? Why do we call it a hamburger when it is made from beef? If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? If firefighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight? Why are the songs that get stuck in my head ALWAYS little kid songs????? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? Why is there an s in the word lisp? How can someone be dirt poor, and another be filthy rich? How is it possible to have a civil war? If you're an atheist and swear on the bible, have you committed perjury? Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites? How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? If sunflower oil is made of sunflowers, what is baby oil made of??? When someone says "You know what they say..." Who are they? Why does a ship carry cargo and a car carry shipments? Why is a boxing ring square? If you spin an oriental man, does he become disoriented? Why is Greenland white? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Why is it when you go from here to there, you're still here and not there? If something was miss-spelled in a dictionary how would we know If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? Is Santa so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live? If a penny costs 2.3 cents to make, why is it still only worth a penny? Why does belly button lint not match your shirt color? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?" Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? If pissed off people are disgruntled, are happy people gruntled? If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons? Why are some mistakes too much fun to only make once? Where do all the missing socks go? Why a goose and his wife are geese, but a moose and his wife aren't meese Why is it called tourist season if you cant shoot them? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? If you throw a cat out your car window does it become kitty litter? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? If air travel is so safe, why do they call it a "terminal"? |
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Gryff
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Joke of the day
replied on: 10/23/2007 9:59:04 AM A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video shop and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video shop to complain. Blonde: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static." Shop assistant: "Sorry about, that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" Blonde says "It's called 'Head Cleaner." |
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