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| Abdul- Quote | Reply | | Weekly Funnies posted on: 10/8/2004 2:58:09 PM How To Drive Women Crazy 1. Call her by the dog's name and then deny it. 2. Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally different subject. 3. Super-glue the commode seat in the up position. 4. Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she's gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her with some meat on her bones. 5. Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in Georgia when your original destination was California. 6. Call her by your mother's name and then deny it. 7. Start a conversation with the dog, in the middle of a conversation with her. 8. Buy her power tools for Valentine's Day. 9. Never give her a straight answer. 10. Take up yodeling and practice a lot. 11. Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments. 12. Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery. 13. Pretend you forgot how to speak English. 14. Answer every question with "Yes, dear." (Use with caution as PMS is a valid murder defense in many states.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Don't Disgrace The Family A young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said, "Sit here and let me tell you about young boys. He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family." With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted. "Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace our family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family." Granny fainted! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New Rabbit A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass. "Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?" "Yes. Come and join us," they cried. The lab rabbit hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?" "You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, the lab rabbit spent the rest of the morning shagging his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here." "I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hillbilly Dayvorce A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, "How can I help you?" The farmer said, "I want to get one of those dayvorces." The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres." The lawyer said, "No, you don't understand. Do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays." The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere." The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere." The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?" The farmer said, "No, we both get up at 4:30." The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?" The farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cuckoo Clock The other night I was invited out for a night with 'the girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wakeup, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him Midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, 'We need a new cuckoo clock'. When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh crap.', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted. |