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Carnivean Quote | Reply | | Jokes posted on: 9/16/2003 5:54:03 PM I saw this over at Ozzfest: > This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny! > > NAME: Greg Bulmash > > SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person. > > DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. > > DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. > > EDUCATION: Yes. > > LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. > > SALARY: Less than I'm worth. > > MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. > > REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. > > HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. > > PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. > > DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. > > MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? > > DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? > > DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" > > HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes. > > DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes. > > WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. > > DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely. > > SIGN HERE: Aries. |
Umrahel
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replied on: 9/17/2003 12:52:12 AM 
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~DeadGirl~
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replied on: 9/17/2003 6:41:35 AM A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell," and you say "ass." OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room & shouts, "You can just stay there till I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?" I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios." |
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~DeadGirl~
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replied on: 9/20/2003 2:09:57 AM For all who have seen them already...oh fuckin' well  One day in the future, Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room; in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed -- over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," bin Laden said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the next room; in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Osama bin Laden. The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Osama bin Laden looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,"Yeah, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go." |
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~DeadGirl~
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replied on: 9/20/2003 2:11:08 AM African Roulette The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined,dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded--you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger." This fazed the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to SHOW fear would be unthinkable for both of them-both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief. The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year. When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African Roulette." So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women. The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a blowjob--take your pick". The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said,"Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger in this?" With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered, "Well.......one of them's a cannibal." |
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~DeadGirl~
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replied on: 9/20/2003 2:11:45 AM Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!! |
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~DeadGirl~
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replied on: 9/20/2003 2:12:18 AM A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in Manchester. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humor!" The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little fucker on your knee!" |
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~DeadGirl~
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replied on: 9/20/2003 2:12:55 AM A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, what is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger". "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then...we'll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box. |
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~DeadGirl~
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replied on: 9/20/2003 2:13:49 AM A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!) The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet.You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning FROM side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure. " Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand." |
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~DeadGirl~
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replied on: 9/20/2003 2:14:43 AM Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a doctor, one was a lawyer, and one was a biker. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her." After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied, "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her." The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a T-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the T-shirt, she could go fuck herself." |
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~DeadGirl~
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replied on: 9/20/2003 2:15:12 AM An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it". The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc". The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis". The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion". The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice". The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease". The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!" "Oh, Thank God!", the man replies. "Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money" |
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~DeadGirl~
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replied on: 9/20/2003 2:15:39 AM Toward the end of the golf match , Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.....as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" Then POOF!..she was gone. After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussywillow." Harry yells back......"DON'T SWING FRED!!!" "For God sake, DON'T SWING!!" |
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~DeadGirl~
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replied on: 9/20/2003 2:16:00 AM Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't step on the ducks." So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck." |
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~DeadGirl~
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replied on: 9/20/2003 2:17:38 AM The United Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well dressed, rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, Bitch |
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~DeadGirl~
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replied on: 9/20/2003 2:21:40 AM A fellow was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs., saying his weight could pose very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. "Guaranteed like hell," he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10-lb weight loss program. The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, beautiful, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes, and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the Weight Loss Company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business." The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5-day/20-lb program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next 4 days, the same routine happens and much to his delight, on the 5th day he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised!!!! He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 lb. program!! "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program... " "Absolutely," he replies. "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, I can have you." |
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~DeadGirl~
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replied on: 9/20/2003 2:22:11 AM The doctor said, "Good news is I can cure your headache....The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles". Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought "That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said "Let's see...size 44 long". Joe laughed. "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit and it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked "How about a new shirt?". Joe thought for a moment and then said "Sure". The salesman eyed Joe and said "Let's see...34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck". Joe was surprised. "That's right - how did you know? "Been in the business 60 years!". Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked "How about new shoes?". Joe was on a roll and said "Sure". The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said "Let's see.....9 1/2 E". Joe was astonished. "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said "Sure". The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old". The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache". |
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